Oxymoron. Hypocrite. Opposite.

In some ways, I am the happiest I’ve ever been. I know who I am and I know what I stand for. It took almost 30 years to be able to stand up for myself - I wouldn’t change that for the world. 

And at the exact same time, I am the most heartbroken I’ve ever been. Life has beaten me down and shattered my spirits. I feel like such a failure - in some ways I’ve given up. 

Though, I guess it makes sense. It’s the sun coming out when the world is blanketed in snow. It’s feeling nauseated when you’re excited and crying when you laugh too hard. 

If natural contradictions exist in life, it makes sense they’d exist in me.

My Favorite Color

My favorite color is a deep inhale on a brisk morning as a chill runs down your spine. 

The color a jay sings as the morning frost thaws. 

It's a strong gust of wind, twirling the petals and pollen like a child in a brand new dress. 

This color is looking into soulful eyes that reflect the sky on a cloudless afternoon. 

It's staring into the ocean and watching the light dance with each ripple. 

This color is rain bouncing off the window as you drift off to sleep. 

And the sadness that creeps into bed before dawn, reminding you that you're only human. 

I don't drive.

I don't drive. 
I don't know how. 
Sure, I know the basics...
but that doesn't stop the crippling responsibility that comes when I'm in the driver's seat.  

No, I didn't ask for your opinion. 
Nor did I ask for a solution. 
When you voice your fears, 
do I provide unwarranted advice for how to get over it?

"You don't drive?"
Head cocked and eyebrow raised. 
The judgemental stare
letting me know, without saying more, that you disapprove. 

No, I didn't ask for your sanction. 
Nor did I ask for your sympathy. 
All I ask is that you don't look at me like an outcast, 
just because 
I don't drive. 

Long Overdue

What do you even say after 6 months of silence? So much has happened in the time I spent away from this blog. And I'm not entirely sure where to begin.

In the past 6 months, I have taught 23 kindergarteners, turned 26, walked nearly 17 miles for a good cause, lost over 40 pounds, accepted a teaching position for the next school year, moved to Belmont, and booked a spontaneous solo trip to Portugal.

It's been a pretty incredible and emotional few months filled with many highs and lows. Who knows if I'll go back to writing every couple of weeks... or if it'll be another 6 months before I post again. 

*But I can promise you that I'll have an update after my time in Lisbon. ;)

A Bee and A Bear

My anxiety is a bee. It lives in my head, constantly buzzing. Never letting me forget it's there. Just like white noise, there are times I can turn down the volume, but never enough to ignore it completely. Sometimes this bee nests in the honeycomb that is my brain. Trying to find nectar, it pokes around triggering my nervous system. Suddenly, without warning it stings. My hands shake and it's hard to breathe, but the bee continues to sting. Over and over again until I scream. Stinger finally retracted, the swelling doesn't immediately subside; I'm left a nervous wreck. As my hands steady and my breathing begins to stabilize, I go back to pretending it's normal to live with a bee.

My depression is a bear. It cuddles up next to me in the middle of the night. Just like a grown child still attached to a security blanket, there's a comfort in it's warmth. But it becomes too warm. So warm that I almost can't breathe. And when that cuddly bear decides it's hungry, the suffocating warmth is the least of my worries. Claws out, teeth bared, the depression attacks. Sometimes I can play dead, pretending to not feel it sniff my neck and growl by my ear. When I flinch and show my weaknesses, depression comes to kill. Sometimes blood is shed, wounds reopen, and I'm left with scars deeper than the ones before. But other times I can talk it down, talk it back into a hibernating state, where I can pretend that it's normal to live with a bear.

Big News

You know when I said I needed a break from teaching in order to figure out what I wanted to do with my life? And remember when I said that I wanted experience doing an abundance of jobs that were not in the education field? 

Well, I got a job!!

"What is it?" You may find yourself asking.

Umm....well...

I'm going to be a Kindergarten teacher. 

While you all take a second to roll your eyes, hear me out.

The school I will be working for found themselves in a pickle and in need of a teacher. And because of my extensive experience in education (and my connections within the district), they hired me! It's a temporary job that will only last until the end of the school year, but I will have my very own classroom with 23 adorable little ones. 

"But Cami, didn't you say..." I'm going to stop you right there.

I expect one of two things to happen during the next few months: I rediscover my love for teaching and decide it's what I want to pursue for the rest of my life or I decide that, even in the best of situations, it isn't for me, and I go my own way after completing the school year. 

Either way, this was an opportunity that I couldn't turn down. Like Ted and his quest for love, I need to give this one last try and see what the universe has to say about it.  

Wish me luck!

Resolutions

Resolutions are never something I've taken seriously. I'll half ass a list of intangible goals with no end date in sight... so it's no wonder I inevitably fail. This year is different.

I know, I know, people say that every year and nothing changes. But I'm betting on myself for once and I refuse to fall into the category of "resolution drop outs."

For starters. I aim to get my license. Let's skip past the judgement and Q&A portion, shall we? I currently have my permit, and I am learning to drive. It's a slow process and I don't ever plan to enjoy driving. But I am doing it (and with limited tears, I might add).

Next, I want to continue with my daily work outs. I've actually been working out every day for almost two months now, and I don't plan to stop. A small work out is better than no work out, so even when I have a busy day, there's no excuse.

The doozy: no alcohol. WHAT?! Anyone who has ever met me knows that I love my Jack...probably more than I love most people. But for all of the obvious, and not-so-obvious reasons, I have decided to take a year of sobriety.

There are a couple others, but I'll let y'all pick your jaws up off the floor and recover. Wouldn't want to shock anyone TOO much before the new year begins.

And for anyone who doubts that I can do it, or has something negative to say, save it.