Time to Try

Over the past few days, I've been telling myself that my lazy days of sleeping in and watching crappy television were well deserved. That because of "everything I've been going through," I needed some time to relax. Because after quitting my job, giving up a career in teaching, moving back home, and traveling, a girl needs some time to rejuvenate and reconnect with old friends. 

Today I had a wake up call. 

I've been telling myself all of those things because I'm afraid to try. Because if I try, there's a chance I could fail. So if I let myself sit around and pretend I need the space to figure things out, people will understand and they won't push me to put myself out there and give it a go...

I'm not saying I have a clue as to what direction I should be going in, but I can't sit still anymore. It's time to pick myself up, get my ass out the door, and start trying. 

I miss you.

You did a really shitty thing, and I'm not sure I can ever forgive you for it. But I miss you.

I miss the friendship I thought we had. I miss the trust I instilled in you. I miss the way you made me laugh. I miss the self confidence you brought out in me. I miss our dumb conversations.

I miss having someone that knew me...all of me.

I miss you.

Queen of the Hills

I recently got back from a trip to Portugal. We stayed in Lisbon and that city unexpectedly captured my heart. So much so that I made sure our last day there was a day I could use to explore on my own and take in whatever I could before leaving. 

That day, my goal was to wander around the oldest part of Lisbon and eventually make my way up to the castle area for lunch. Here's the thing about Lisbon, it's a city built on many hills. And when I say "hill," I mean big-ass, incredibly steep, mountain-like hill. There's a myth about a sea serpent searching for love in the city, but unable to find it, she dies and her seven tentacles become the seven hills of Lisboa. Truth be told, there are actually eleven hills throughout the city. None of them small. 

Heading off on my own, I decide to take the road less traveled, a road I'm not sure was even on my map. Within an hour, I was lost. With no known roads to reference and no common language with the locals around me, I continued on. Knowing that the castle was atop a hill near the water, I figured if I could get close enough to the sea and head up, I'd get there. Trekking on, with no other tourist in sight, (a clue I should have picked up on) I made it to the top of the hill...well a hill. Proud of myself for getting to the top, I took a deep breath, looked around and noticed that the castle I was walking towards was on top of a different hill...

This next part of my story is going to get extremely cheesy and self reflective, so you may want to stop here.

At the top of my hill, with where I needed to be in plain sight, yet incredibly far away, I should have felt discouraged. I was anything but. I was not only extremely proud of myself for getting to where I was, but I was more determined than ever to get to where I needed to go. And then I realized that this was a symbol for my life.

I got to the top of where I thought I wanted to go. And once I had that, I took a look around and realized that teaching wasn't what I wanted to be doing. 

And just like in life, I will keep going. I will make goals and climb to the top of many hills. I may struggle or need to stop and ask for help, but what I refuse to be is discouraged. If I can make it to the top of the right hill on my own, in a foreign country, with no map, and unable to speak the language, I sure as hell can make it to the top of my metaphorical one.