Happiness Feels a Lot Like Sorrow

I've always preached that happiness is not a state to strive for; that it's the little bits of happiness you have to appreciate and hold on to in order to help you through the moments of sadness. It was always a pet peeve of mine when someone's goal in life was to be happy. I still believe that there's always going to be ups and downs and that happiness is not a constant state of being that someone can achieve, but today I found myself wishing I could just be happy.

Since I've moved down here, I have tried to put myself out there. With work, the friends who live close by, and even with simple things like exploring the Von's two blocks down, I have kept an open mind and stepped out of my comfort zone. I did all of this to keep myself busy...and happy. Maybe I am still settling in and getting used to everything, and maybe I need to give it more of a chance, but today was the first day I let myself feel. And what I felt wasn't the happy I was hoping for. 

Whilst sitting on the floor in my room, trying to relax in the still-foreign heat, I felt the loneliness I had been experiencing for a while creep in. Between the kids and staff members at work, the dates I've been lucky to have with friends, and Kelsey moving in, you would think I would have the opposite problem. But even though it seems like I am constantly surrounded by people, the second I step into my room, I feel completely alone. The past few weeks I have tried to mask this feeling by distracting myself with movies, music, or crafting. But today it all sank in. 

My mind started to think about other things; ways my life would be different, things I would want to change, people I wish were still in my life, etc. This is when the tears started flowing. And this is when I decided to let myself feel all of it. 

Maybe it's days like these where this song makes more sense than ever:

Happiness damn near destroys you,

breaks your faith to pieces on the floor.

So you tell yourself, that's enough for now.

Happiness has a violent roar.

Happiness is like the old man told me:

look for it, and you'll never find it at all. 

Let it go, live your life and leave it.

Then, one day, she'll be home.