"Only Fools Rush In"

There's lots of different kinds of love. The love you have for your family, another love for your friends, and even a love for inanimate objects or food, but maybe that's more of a strong like than love. There's love you can have for your pet or animals, and then there's being IN love. That love is quite different from the others. Some people say it's "having butterflies when you wake up in the morning" or that it's a "transcendent experience." But I think my favorite description of love is from Lucky by Jackie Collins, "Falling in love is like getting hit by a truck and yet not being mortally wounded; sick to your stomach, high one minute, low the next, starving hungry but unable to eat. Falling in love fills you of hope and enthusiasm, with momentary depressions that wipe you out. It is also not being able to remove the smile from your face and loving life with a mad passionate intensity." But here's the thing, I've never actually been in love. 

I've experienced so many kinds of love, but I have never fallen head-over-heels in love with someone. I have, however, come close. I've felt the butterflies each morning and the anticipation of getting to talk to that person. I've felt the inability to eat and the love for life that I hadn't felt before. And I've also felt the heartache that comes after that person leaves or shuts you out. Obviously it's not quite as intense or extreme, but it still hurts. So, when that same person tries to come back into your life, you have a decision to make. 

Last night I got a text from a number I didn't recognize. After looking up the area code, I realized exactly who it was. And all of the feelings I had when I first felt myself falling for him came rushing back before I could even blink. And then, all of that came crashing down again. I hate the effect that he had, and apparently still has, over me. And I hate that he told me that, despite the fact that he's found the love of his life, he thinks things would have been different between us if he had lived closer. I hate that he misses me and that he felt the need to apologize for being such a dick the first time around. And without trying to sound too much like Kat Stratford from 10 Things I Hate About You, I hate that I don't actually hate him or blame him for any of it. 

But one thing did change last night. I stood up for myself. I told him that hearing from him now, even if it was an apology, hurts more than it did not to hear from him at all. And that I can't be there as a friend now after he completely shut me out. I told him that I was happy for him, he wished me well in LA, and that's where it ended. Of course a part of me is still sad, and I know that I won't stop thinking about him altogether. But I know that I will think of him less and move on with my life... just as I did the first time around.