Oh, what a beautiful morning...

Life has a funny way of working out sometimes. I was sick this weekend. Like stuck in bed, didn't want to eat anything, had to use my asthma inhaler, didn't change for two entire days... that kind of sick. So this morning, when my alarm went off at 5am, I was not a happy camper. I begrudgingly got out of bed to take a shower and start getting ready before my morning of walking and working. I time my walks pretty well so I can leave as late as possible and still get to work slightly early. But this also means that once i'm out the door and three blocks down, I can't turn back around to get my inhaler...which I inevitably forgot. By the way it was looking, I was not expecting a very good morning. 

But then I got to the school and everything changed. Each morning is basically the same. With the exception of minute changes, there's the same group of kids each morning and they all tend to gravitate toward the same activity day after day. This makes my job a whole lot easier. One of the kinders who joins us in the mornings (and afternoons) is kind of a difficult child. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love working with him and have been able to make a connection with this kid that I wasn't expecting. This morning, Thomas* asked when I was coming over to his house for a play date. This warmed my heart. Obviously, it's not only unprofessional, but slightly creepy for a person in my position to take him up on the offer. But the fact that he likes me enough to want to have a play date is just so gosh darn cute. 

Once it is time for the kids to go to class and start their school day, the bigger kids run off to join their friends, but we personally deliver each kinder to their perspective classroom. During this chaotic drop off time, I see a lot of kids and parents who are a part of the after school program. When you say hello to a kid right before drop off, one of three things happen: they hide in their parent's clothing, they wave and say "Hello Miss Camille," or they run up and give you a hug. Normally, after working with these kids and seeing them each morning, you get a feel for which kids are going to give you which greeting. Well, I said hello to Felicia* this morning, and instead of her normal sheepish smile and soft-spoken "hi," she ran up and gave me a hug. It was such a nice surprise and totally made me smile. 

After I dropped each kid off, I walked back to the office to find my boss talking to a mom. This mom is not only Thomas' mom, but she is a teacher at the school. Most teachers at the school have a TA, and for some reason, the program I work for does the TA paperwork. This teacher was complaining to my boss about her TA and how the paperwork isn't complete...yadda yadda yadda. All of a sudden, the teacher turns to me and asks, "you're looking for a TA job, right?" I replied that I was, had dropped off my resume to the front office for that specific reason, and have a huge gap in my day in which I am free. The look on her face was priceless. The turned to my boss and exclaimed, "I want her to be my TA! She's great with my sons and I could care less if this other TA works out because I would love to have her instead." It was such a wonderful feeling to know that this mom and teacher views me as someone who works well with kids, and someone who would be good for the job. Now, there's still a strong possibility that this won't actually happen...but it would be so amazing to TA for her. It would be such a wonderful opportunity and experience. Plus, I wouldn't have to walk so damn much anymore!

As I walked home, I couldn't help but smile because the morning I just had was nothing special to and outsider, but to me? To me, it was a beautiful morning. (~Cue song from Oklahoma~)

*It might sound stupid, but I've changed the names of the students. This is for their protection, and for mine. 

A LUSHious Reading

A simple trip to the Lush store on the Third Street Promenade turned into the most enlightening experience of my life. While walking along the promenade, Cynthia and I decided to go into Lush and sample all of the delicious smelling products. We happened upon this wheel of colors and were instantly intrigued. The woman working there asked if we had ever taken a spin. With our curiosities piqued, we both agreed to give it a try. She had us close our eyes and block out any colors or images. Then, when the wheel stopped turning, we were to open our eyes and pick out the first three colors to stand out to us. I picked a baby blue, a dark blue, and bright coral red...and yes, apparently the order is important in this game.

1. Your strength (or weakness): Calm

As she continued to go into detail, Cynthia was freaking out over how accurate this was. Can anyone guess what my reaction was? Yup, I was calm. It was funny to hear Cynthia, a friend I've known for four years now, explain just how accurate this part of the reading was. I guess that is something I never noticed about myself. Looking back, it makes sense, but hearing it from someone else was illuminating. 

2. Your subconscious: Motivation
While Cynthia was slightly dumbfounded by this one, it stunned me with how right it was. Because of the facade I tend to build up, I think most people assume I'm a motivated person. The truth is, this is something I have to work on and rediscover constantly. It seems like every day I need to find a new motivation just to get out from under the covers. 

3. Your aspiration: Ambition
Just the other day I was having a conversation with Cassie about my strong desire to achieve something more with my life. I was describing this ambition to do something amazing and make a difference. So, to say this reading was accurate would be an understatement. 

I left the store in a state of awe. I felt like I had just experienced a legitimate psychic reading, when in all reality it was just a place to buy bath products. It was an extremely unexpected, yet eye opening experience and it's days like these where I am convinced I'm on the right path. 

Happiness Feels a Lot Like Sorrow

I've always preached that happiness is not a state to strive for; that it's the little bits of happiness you have to appreciate and hold on to in order to help you through the moments of sadness. It was always a pet peeve of mine when someone's goal in life was to be happy. I still believe that there's always going to be ups and downs and that happiness is not a constant state of being that someone can achieve, but today I found myself wishing I could just be happy.

Since I've moved down here, I have tried to put myself out there. With work, the friends who live close by, and even with simple things like exploring the Von's two blocks down, I have kept an open mind and stepped out of my comfort zone. I did all of this to keep myself busy...and happy. Maybe I am still settling in and getting used to everything, and maybe I need to give it more of a chance, but today was the first day I let myself feel. And what I felt wasn't the happy I was hoping for. 

Whilst sitting on the floor in my room, trying to relax in the still-foreign heat, I felt the loneliness I had been experiencing for a while creep in. Between the kids and staff members at work, the dates I've been lucky to have with friends, and Kelsey moving in, you would think I would have the opposite problem. But even though it seems like I am constantly surrounded by people, the second I step into my room, I feel completely alone. The past few weeks I have tried to mask this feeling by distracting myself with movies, music, or crafting. But today it all sank in. 

My mind started to think about other things; ways my life would be different, things I would want to change, people I wish were still in my life, etc. This is when the tears started flowing. And this is when I decided to let myself feel all of it. 

Maybe it's days like these where this song makes more sense than ever:

Happiness damn near destroys you,

breaks your faith to pieces on the floor.

So you tell yourself, that's enough for now.

Happiness has a violent roar.

Happiness is like the old man told me:

look for it, and you'll never find it at all. 

Let it go, live your life and leave it.

Then, one day, she'll be home.

The Man on the Corner

Every day on my walk to work and back I see this man on the corner of the street. He sits at the bus stop and there's a ton of luggage and trash bags next to him, chained to the side of the bench. I'm fairly certain that everything he owns is packed in those bags. And I'm pretty sure he spends each night sleeping on that bench with just a blanket for comfort. 

Even after having an absolutely horrible day, this man, whoever he is, stood out to me. There was a spark in me that wanted to do something.After years of social and psychology classes and years of volunteering, I'm at a standpoint. I don't know what to do. There is a war going on within myself. Do I bring this man breakfast or a hot drink after my trip to starbucks in the morning? Or is that completely demeaning? Would he view this as a helping hand or a hand-out? This is one of those moments where I could really do something to help; something more than just the occasional breakfast or lack thereof. But what?

If anyone has an opinion or suggestion on the matter, let me know. 

The Happiest Time in the Happiest Place

Yesterday I got to go to Disneyland with Hilary. And it was one of the best times I've ever had. Normally it's hard not to have a good time, but there's always an added stress and pressure to have "the best time ever." Because each previous trip had been planned months in advance, I always felt like I had to make the most of the limited time I had. But yesterday was different. 

I woke up to a text from Hilary saying that she no longer had to work... "want to go to Disneyland?" This was not a hard question for me to answer. When it comes to Disneyland, the answer is always yes. I shot out of bed, jumped in the shower, rushed to get ready, and we were on our way. We each had a couple things in mind that we hoped to accomplish and the day went so smooth (and the longest we had to wait in like was 30 minutes).

First, we went on Radiator Springs, which I had not been on before. I was so impressed. It has become my new favorite ride in California Adventure (and it was so worth the wait). Then, we headed over to California Screaming, followed by the Tower of Terror and Monsters Inc. After that, we decided to make our way to the magical kingdom and caught a showing of Mickey and the Magical Map. If you have not seen it and you have the chance to: GO! It was not only an adorable story, but getting to see Pocahontas, Mulan, Rapunzel, Tiana, and a few other special guests sing and dance and be on stage brought out the little kid in me. I swear, I was smiling like a goon and had goose bumps the entire performance. 

One of the things that made yesterday so special is that we both got to do things in the parks that we had never done before. Neither of us had been on the Mark Twain Riverboat, which was such a wonderful experience. I had my first Dole Whip Float and I got my name embroidered on a hat for the first time. I also got to see Peter Pan for the first time in the parks. 

We ended the day with a ride on Splash Mountain (I don't know how she talked me into it) and a wonderful dinner at the Rainforest Cafe. 

There was no backtracking, no complaints, and no expectations, which meant there were no disappointments. We both got to do exactly what we wanted to (and more). It was the perfect disney day. 

Just Smile

Do you ever wake up, look in the mirror, and just smile? Not only do you like what you see, but there's something different about today. This doesn't happen too often for me, but man is it wonderful when it does. And I never pass up an opportunity to take full advantage and enjoy the day (and document it). 

Go look in the mirror and see if you like what you see. Try and find at least three things that you like about the reflection and then go and try and see the best in today. Trust me, sometimes a smile and a good attitude can change your entire day. :)

"Only Fools Rush In"

There's lots of different kinds of love. The love you have for your family, another love for your friends, and even a love for inanimate objects or food, but maybe that's more of a strong like than love. There's love you can have for your pet or animals, and then there's being IN love. That love is quite different from the others. Some people say it's "having butterflies when you wake up in the morning" or that it's a "transcendent experience." But I think my favorite description of love is from Lucky by Jackie Collins, "Falling in love is like getting hit by a truck and yet not being mortally wounded; sick to your stomach, high one minute, low the next, starving hungry but unable to eat. Falling in love fills you of hope and enthusiasm, with momentary depressions that wipe you out. It is also not being able to remove the smile from your face and loving life with a mad passionate intensity." But here's the thing, I've never actually been in love. 

I've experienced so many kinds of love, but I have never fallen head-over-heels in love with someone. I have, however, come close. I've felt the butterflies each morning and the anticipation of getting to talk to that person. I've felt the inability to eat and the love for life that I hadn't felt before. And I've also felt the heartache that comes after that person leaves or shuts you out. Obviously it's not quite as intense or extreme, but it still hurts. So, when that same person tries to come back into your life, you have a decision to make. 

Last night I got a text from a number I didn't recognize. After looking up the area code, I realized exactly who it was. And all of the feelings I had when I first felt myself falling for him came rushing back before I could even blink. And then, all of that came crashing down again. I hate the effect that he had, and apparently still has, over me. And I hate that he told me that, despite the fact that he's found the love of his life, he thinks things would have been different between us if he had lived closer. I hate that he misses me and that he felt the need to apologize for being such a dick the first time around. And without trying to sound too much like Kat Stratford from 10 Things I Hate About You, I hate that I don't actually hate him or blame him for any of it. 

But one thing did change last night. I stood up for myself. I told him that hearing from him now, even if it was an apology, hurts more than it did not to hear from him at all. And that I can't be there as a friend now after he completely shut me out. I told him that I was happy for him, he wished me well in LA, and that's where it ended. Of course a part of me is still sad, and I know that I won't stop thinking about him altogether. But I know that I will think of him less and move on with my life... just as I did the first time around.