Today was a Wonderful Day

This morning didn't start out great... I spent a good 2 or 3 hours scouring craigslist for a second job. I was adding possibilities in tabs so I could further read and possibly bookmark for later. After going through and deciding which ones I would be interested, I probably had just under 30 tabs open; each with a viable job opportunity. And then chrome decided to crash. And close all of my tabs. And leave me with my jaw open, staring at my desktop in complete shock. Three hours of productive work: GONE. 

So no, this morning didn't go so well. But work was a completely different story. I got to work and felt comfortable... I felt like I knew where to go, what to do, and who to talk to. My boss informed me of the lessons I was teaching and I bantered with my coworkers while I helped prep for the afternoon. The kids were wonderful today as well. They listened for the most part, they participated in every activity, AND they stayed in line quietly....without me telling them to!!! If you have ever worked with kids, you know what a feat that is. I obviously gave them all stickers cause I was so proud of my little munchkins. 

After work, I went to dinner in West Hollywood at Kitchen 24 with Cynthia and Laura. Oh my goodness was it delicious. I had the turkey burger with chipotle mayo and avocado....sooooo good. I love getting to explore new places in this monster of a city. And I am so glad I have a handful of friends in the area that I get to explore them with. 

Overall, today was a great day. I think my awesome time at work outshone my morning. I am quite nervous for tomorrow, for I am working with the older kids and have yet to decide what lesson I will have them do, but that's a story for another day. 

You're Gonna Hear Me be Brave

There's always controversy and comparisons in the music industry. People get riled up because "the beat sounds like..." or "the lyrics remind me of...." And when you listen to "Brave" by Sara Bareilles and then "Roar" by Katy Perry, they will remind you of each other. The beat is similar and the theme and lyrics point towards the same message. But in my life, they came out at perfect times...

When "Brave" came out, I was making the decision to move down to LA. I had told Kelsey my official answer, started looking for jobs in socal, and hadn't told my parents yet. I was terrified; it was a big decision to make on my own. So, listening to a song that urges you to "say what you want to say" and be brave helped me do just that. With this song constantly playing in my head, I was able to tell my parents about my move and be strong when I couldn't even get an interview for months. This song was the encouragement and reassurance that I was on the right path.

Now, the first time I heard "Roar," I was stunned at how much it sounded like "Brave." And my first instinct was to not like it. But I started hearing it on the radio, and it would get stuck in my head. Then, I would look it up and listen to it by choice on occasion... and eventually I bought it. Since then, I have been listening to it on repeat, singing along, belting it out and absolutely loving it. This song is all about self empowerment and proving to those around you and yourself that you are an awesome person. At one point in the song she says "I went from zero, to my own hero," and that stuck with me. I wouldn't say I am a hero (to myself or to others) by any means, but there was a time when I never thought I would be the friend that moved to LA. And recently, with everything going on in my life, it is nice to have an anthem that encourages self worth. 

Right about now, some of you might be thinking "....they're just songs" and you're absolutely right. But somehow these songs help me get through day to day and empower me to be a better me!

Yesterday

So, I don't know who actually reads this blog, but I don't plan to hold back on what I put on here. That being said, this post may have triggers or may make some people uncomfortable...

Yesterday was not a good day for me. It started out with little things going wrong: tripping on just about anything, stubbing my toe more than once, breaking a nail, etc. One after one, they began to accumulate and turned a decent day into a bad one relatively quickly. On top of that, I felt incredibly self conscious. Now, self confidence and body image has been a struggle in my life since before I knew what the word "fat" even meant, but lately (within the past year or so) I have been on a rise of confidence in myself and my body. Of course there are always ups and down in this journey... but yesterday, it was different. It was one of those days where I felt fat, gross, ugly and completely unhappy with me and my appearance. So when a little girl at work asked me why I was so fat, it solidified that doubt and negative feelings I had in myself. 

For the next part of this story, y'all need a little background. I am not going to go into detail, but sophomore year of high school I lost some people dear to me and spiraled into a moderately deep depression. And the way that I coped was through self harm. Eventually I stopped, got better, crawled out of my depression and came out on top. However, fairly recently (within this past year) I relapsed and began to self harm again. Once again, I was able to stop myself and get better. 

Keeping all of this in mind and continuing on with my story, yesterday I felt so horrible with myself that on my way home from work, my pace slowed and my brain wandered into some not-so-good thoughts. Without realizing it, I was digging my nail into my skin as I walked in order to not feel the overwhelming sadness that was taking over. I began to wonder if I had brought my razors down to LA... and then I thought of what I could use instead once I got home. Instantly, after I realized what I was thinking about, I broke down. The tears and staggered breathing couldn't be controlled and I knew that something needed to be done. Luckily, I have some amazing friends that were able to be there for me while I calmed down and talked myself away from that metaphorical cliff. 

Disclaimer: The reason I wanted to share this with everyone is not to get sympathy or pity. This is a blog about me and what I am going through in this new and adventurous chapter of my life. If that means sharing how shitty I'm doing, then so be it. I know that things will get better and that this particular day is not a reflection of how LA will be for me this year, but it's what I'm experiencing at the moment... which is what this is all about. 

Well, that wasn't the plan...

The plan for today: I was going to try and sleep in, have a leisurely morning, eat breakfast, do my hair and make up, give myself enough time to get lost on my way to a meeting that should only take a half an hour or so, walk back home, eat a late lunch/early dinner, and then prepare myself for work tomorrow.

What actually happened: I woke up at 7, ate breakfast, had a nervous morning, did my hair and make up, left with way too much time to spare, ended up walking around the block for an hour and still getting to my meeting 15 minutes early. I then wait for an hour for the woman I was supposed to meet with only to be introduced to everyone as "the newest addition to out staff." Then, caught completely by surprise, I got thrown into work...for four hours. I was not dressed, nor ready to work with 30 kids for 4 hours at a school I've never been to, with staff I've only met 5 minutes ago, and with a program I have not been trained in. It was chaotic and confusing (and fun...but shhhh). And to top everything off: I NEVER GOT MY MEETING! But the kinder director told me I was great with the kids and wants me to teach for a rotation tomorrow, so yay. 

Moral of this story: When you go with the flow and have a "I'm ready for anything" attitude, you end up getting complimented. And let's face it: that's all anyone really wants in life. 

Non-local Nerves

Do you ever feel like you don't belong? Like everyone around you knows exactly where they're going and what they're doing, but you feel completely lost? That's how I'm feeling right now. I'm the "new girl" in town and I feel out of place. I know that once I step out of my comfort zone and explore the area, I will start to feel more at home. But for the time being, I feel as if I'm confined to my apartment...confined to my room because it's the one place I know and feel safe in. It probably doesn't help that the idea that I now live in LA hasn't quite settled in. It currently feels more like this is Derek and Kelsey's apartment and I am simply staying with them for a while. Hopefully this place starts to feel more like my own when the idea that I actually live here sinks in. 

In other news, the move went smoother than I thought it would (even with getting lost and the stress of running some errands). And the unpacking went a lot faster than expected. I still have some loose odds and ends that I need to find a place for, but other than that I am pretty much settled in. There is food in the fridge, clothes in the closet, and a fairly happy Cami to boot. 

OH, and the food that I have had thus far has been absolutely delicious. The first night we ordered gyros from Delphi and they were phenomenal. I will definitely be saving that menu. And then this morning I went to Coral Tree Cafe in Brentwood for brunch and again: phenomenal. I had their egg bruschetta and some fresh squeezed OJ and it was probably one of the best breakfasts I've ever had. I highly recommend both places!

Next Chapter

"Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the Earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

-Leonardo da Vinci

I feel like I've spent my entire life looking at the sky, daydreaming about what my life could be... without ever actually "tasting flight." So this move to Los Angeles feels more than just a move. It feels like growing up. 

A part of me is really excited about this new chapter of my life. One with responsibility and independence. And new opportunities with a chance to start over. Plus, I'll be living with one of my best friends. But another part of me is scared shitless. I have never been on my own financially. Or lived more than 2 hours away (with the exception of the semester I spent in Washington). And I'm going to be living in a city...a big city. If you know me at all, you know that I am a small-town girl born and raised who has never even dreamed of living in a big city.

Nevertheless, I am trying to look on the bright side of this next chapter and am excited to share it with all of you!