Regrets

I have no regrets. 

I don't mean to say that in a let's-get-wasted-and-forget-about-our-future kind of way. I mean to say that even through the mistakes and stumbles I've made in life, there isn't one thing I regret. In fact, it's those choices that have molded me into who I am today. 

With all of that being said, there are a handful of moments I would like to go back and relive. I wouldn't go back and change anything significant, but I would like to spend just one more minute, give one more hug, or say one last goodbye.

I think this is why I tend to say "I love you" so much. Or why I find it easier to let things go than hold a grudge. I've lost people close to me... and constantly find myself wishing I had said "I love you" once more. 

Take a minute to think about this:
Think about someone you are mad or annoyed at, or perhaps someone you don't talk to much because you simply don't know what to say. Now, imagine you losing this person forever. Is that fight, grudge, or lack of communication really worth it? 

I end most, if not all of my phone calls and conversations with a proclamation of love. The reasoning: those words could be the last ones they ever hear from me. And whatever problem I have with that person melts away. 

And if you're reading this, unsure of the last words someone has said to you: I LOVE YOU. 

A Thousand Words

Versailles: a palace of grandeur, a château oozing of royalty, a fortress with so many particulars and details that most of them are overlooked. People talk about how remarkable and gorgeous it is and dream of a time where they can build their own place of luxury. To me, it was gaudy. And I guess that’s the idea. But it was excessive, to the point where I stopped being impressed and just lost interest. I found myself picking up pace as I walked through each room and wondering when it would be lunchtime. I was no longer listening to the headphone guide spewing facts and historical antics. And then I looked up and saw this corner.

This photograph, a snapshot from my phone’s camera, only captures a sliver of the incredible masterpiece. In person, it was breathtaking. Each curve and minute detail seemed to have a distinct purpose in the overall ambiance that the corner exuded.  

As I stood there, feet planted to the stone floor, the voice from the headphones hushed to a distant hum. While staring at this small angle of the enormous citadel, I found myself at a loss for words. Unable to move and mouth ajar, I felt a tear fall from my eye. It sounds silly, but there was something about the artistry that touched my heart. I had never been so taken aback by the detailing of a building before. I stayed put, absolutely bewildered, for at least ten minutes before my mother managed to tear me away.

The rest of my time in the palace was spent wanting to go back and stare at that corner, if only for one more second. It was all I could think about. I was impressed that in the midst of the kitschy décor, I managed to find a fragment of beauty.

To this day, I have trouble wrapping my head around the idea that the majority of people who pass through the palace of Versailles overlook this gorgeous detail. I will admit, I don’t usually walk into a room and automatically look up. In fact, I rarely inspect the ceiling corners of the places I visit. Perhaps I should start. But can you imagine if I hadn’t looked up when I entered this specific room? I would have been amongst the hundreds, even thousands of people who pass through, ignorant to the beauty that appeared above their heads.

And then, with all this in mind, I begin to wonder if there’s a story behind this corner that caught my eye. Was this a meaningless detail to fill an otherwise boring part of the room, or did the overseer have a reason for it being there. Did the person carving these details enjoy working on this piece, or like the rest of us, grumble on his way to work? Did he spend time anticipating the happiness it would bring, or rather regret slaving over something he just assumed would go unappreciated? Either way, I am thankful for his work and appreciate the beauty… even if no one else did.

I wish I could tell you the name of the artist behind this masterpiece, or even what room you could find it in. But even I’m not entirely sure I would be able to find it again if I had the chance. And maybe that’s the way it is meant to be; maybe I was only meant to see it once. It made me stop and look, made me reexamine my boredom and appreciate the time I was spending there. Perhaps it was supposed to stand out to me on an even greater level, forcing me to fall in love with art all over again.

I grew up with an artist for a father, so loving art was in my blood. There was paint on my hands before I could hold a brush, and as I got older, my talent and appreciation only grew. I took classes to further my own abilities, as well as classes to further my knowledge on the subject. And although I never fit my own definition of a “good artist,” it never stopped me from creating art. To this day, there’s a special sort of happiness that comes when a brush is in my hand. It’s the same feeling I get when I visit a museum and one of my favorite pieces is hanging only a few feet in front of me. And it’s the same feeling I got when I was staring in awe of this corner in Versailles.  

This spot on the ceiling provoked such emotion that sometimes I feel like it was somewhat divine. Without going too much into religion, I often feel that it’s moments like these that a higher power is telling me something, trying to speak to me through beautiful moments like this one. You could argue that because I was rushing through the enormous palace, I stopped in this room to catch my breath. And perhaps the sun was in my eyes, forcing me to tilt my head upwards, leading my eyes to this wondrous finding. But couldn’t you also argue that it was something more, something celestial that stopped me?

It’s been over a year and a half since I visited France and this one piece of art, a seemingly unimportant splinter of my travels, has obviously stayed with me. Of course there were other parts of my trip that sparked the same kind of happiness, but it still leaves me dumbfounded that one corner, a necessary, yet deceivingly simple part of architecture could spur so much emotion and thought. And for that reason, I share it with you.

It’s possible that you’ll share my love and appreciation for this small spot on the ceiling of a Parisian palace, just as it’s equally as possible that you’ll roll your eyes and think about how this all sounds crazy. Either way, I hope this picture made you stop and think… even if only for a second.

Word count: 1,000

Update: short and sweet

I'm surrounded by strangers, currently trying to work on the lesson plans I neglected over the past week, and my stomach is making weird noises because I forgot to feed it this morning.

But this is the happiest I've been in a while. Why?

Cause I'm in SFO (aka my home away from home) and listening to the Frozen soundtrack. My plane doesn't board until 12:45. This is going to be the best hour and a half of my life.

Home, Sweet Home

I've only been gone for three months, and there's a nostalgic air about this house, this town. Happy and sad memories dancing together through my mind, moments I once clung to. As I sit in each room, I travel back in time and relive certain moments. And you would think that between the family that currently resides here, and the past that lives in the walls, this house would be full. But it feels empty. 

It makes me realize that the life I once had here is in the past. However, instead of feeling sorrow, I am thankful for the time I had here and hopeful that I will find a new home to fill with dancing memories. 

8 things you may or may not know about me:

1. As much as I laugh, when I'm absurdly happy I tend to cry.

2. I could spend hours upon hours in a bookstore.

3. I've never been in love, but it's something I would like to experience one day.

4. The only thing I miss about college is being constantly surrounded by friends.

5. I have a gift for justifying things I want, but always finding excuses to not purchase things I need.

6. I struggle with depression every day of my life.

7. My favorite number is 7, my favorite letter is "e" and my favorite punctuation is an ellipsis.

8. At 23, I've never felt so lost as to who I am or what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I'm at a constant war between not wanting to grow up, and realizing that that in order to achieve what I want in life, growing up is inevitable.

(Thanks, Kelsey for giving me a number!)

The Half-Naked Man

So, recently I've been making a list of topics that I could write about on this blog to help me post more frequently (thanks to the suggestion of my friend, Sacha). But it's days like these where there is no need for such a list.  

Many of you know that my love life is close to nonexistent. I've only really dated one guy and have limited experience in the bedroom. So you can imagine my surprise when I end up on a date and ten minutes in, this guy is pulling his pants down. Yes... from his waist down, he was completely naked. 

For those of you who don't know, I have an online dating profile. Actually, I have two (different sites, not personalities). Judge all you want, but it's the 21st century and I have no shame in admitting it. I'm constantly talking to multiple guys, many of whom don't even get close to obtaining my phone number, but there's a select few that I get close to meeting. Sometimes I bail, sometimes they do, but on rare occasions, we both show up and end up on a date. 

Here's the play-by-play of what happened this afternoon: I had been talking to this guy for a couple of days and it was starting to look like we were going to meet up. In my mind, and what his texts made it seem like, was that we were going to meet up, walk around the Third St. Promenade and possibly get lunch. What ended up happening was he picked me up, and drove directly to his house. A little caught off guard and probably where I should have left, I was assured that we were just going to hang out and watch something on tv. He offers me a drink that I politely decline, we sit down on his couch and I begin to get comfortable. Things are going fine and dandy and we are talking about ourselves and watching Sports Center. About 5 minutes later, out of no where, he says "whelp, why don't we get right to it" and pulled down his pants and boxers. I've got to say, I don't think I've ever been so shocked in my life. After seeing the expression on my face, he pulled his pants up and tried to laugh it off. 

If you haven't guessed already, I left soon after this happened and walked the 4 miles home. 

To top it all off, guess who has another date planned for tonight? Let's hope this one can keep his pants on the whole time. 

Why Hello Again

It's been a while since I posted and instead of making excuses, I'll own up to it. Recently, I've been feeling like there's no point in posting. Who actually reads this and would anyone notice if I completely stopped posting? And most importantly, is it beneficial to me anymore?

When I moved down here, I expected things to be different. Now that I've been living in LA for almost three months, I'm glad it's not the way I thought it would be. I am working at a job I love and making enough money to be completely on my own. I am living with my best friend, taking fairly frequent trips to disneyland, and for the first time in my life, I have a bed that's bigger than a twin. Life is going pretty well for me right now, and I am so thankful for that. 

BUT, and there is a but, this means, there isn't a whole lot of excitement going on. I work 50-60 hour weeks, walk a ton, and my weekends consist of disneyland and shopping and sleeping. Perhaps I can challenge myself to come up with a particular theme or biweekly topic for these posts to help jog the creativity and inspiration. Or, perhaps I'll just continue to post sporadically. If you actually read my blog and have an opinion on the matter, please let me know. 

The Difficult and Not-so-well Behaved Kemerl

One of the kids told me I was a "difficult woman." 

He's seven.

There were so many thoughts that went through my mind. A part of me was offended and wanted to knock some sense into that ignorant head of his. What kind of home is this child growing up in that he, to a certain extent, understands the concept of a woman who does and doesn't obey what the man says... and has an opinion of which is right and wrong. I mean, it would be one thing if it was out of character for this kid to say something like that, but he has said things along the same sexist, patriarchal line more than once.

And then, with my eyes still wide and thoughts running wild, I managed to mutter an "excuse me?" As he repeated what he had said word for word, not understanding that I had heard him just fine, I realized that I shouldn't be offended. At all. 

In his eyes, I am the woman that challenges what men say...and what he says. I don't simply agree and obey, but I have a mind of my own. Maybe it's his way of telling me I'm stubborn, or perhaps it's exactly what it sounds like. Either way, in a mind like that, I would much rather be on the "difficult" side of things. 

I know that this seven year old has no idea of the self-discovery he put me through. And I know that he'll probably continue to grow up with the idea that a woman who "disobeys" is in the wrong. But perhaps having strong, challenging, defiant, and difficult women on staff will change his mind. Or at least make him rethink his upbringing.

(On a completely different note, one of the TKs tried to write my name in his journal and it came out as "Miss Kemerl." Now, I have a slew of nicknames ranging from "Cam" to "Igor" and everything in between, but I have yet to find one that's on the same level as "Swarley." After years of looking, I think the search is over. Kemerl, pronounced "kah-MURL, is by far the best misspelling of my name...and I LOVE IT! And in case you were wondering, yes, my coworkers have started using it.)

Workin' 7 to 6, what a way to make a livin'...

Are y'all ready to hear about my new work schedule? Before I delve into the details, I should state that part of this is temporary. I officially got hired as a TA! Everything seemed to fall into place when one of the teachers voiced her interest in me working in her classroom. The permanent job will be an extra 2 and a half hours each day with her. But now for the temporary craziness...

Because many of the TAs who were originally hired have not gotten all of their paperwork processed, there are quite a few teachers who need extra help during the day. So for at least the next week, I will be working in not one, not two, but FOUR classrooms each day. 

Here is my schedule for the next week:
7:00-8:10 Morning Care
8:15-10:45 First Classroom
10:50-11:00 Break
11:05-12:05 Second Classroom
12:10-12:55 Third Classroom
1:00-1:45 Fourth Classroom
1:50-2:10 Break
2:15-6:00 After School Program

AHHHH. Am I crazy for signing on to this?? And is it bad that the thing I'm most worried about is the timesheet I'm going to have to fill out??

Oh, what a beautiful morning...

Life has a funny way of working out sometimes. I was sick this weekend. Like stuck in bed, didn't want to eat anything, had to use my asthma inhaler, didn't change for two entire days... that kind of sick. So this morning, when my alarm went off at 5am, I was not a happy camper. I begrudgingly got out of bed to take a shower and start getting ready before my morning of walking and working. I time my walks pretty well so I can leave as late as possible and still get to work slightly early. But this also means that once i'm out the door and three blocks down, I can't turn back around to get my inhaler...which I inevitably forgot. By the way it was looking, I was not expecting a very good morning. 

But then I got to the school and everything changed. Each morning is basically the same. With the exception of minute changes, there's the same group of kids each morning and they all tend to gravitate toward the same activity day after day. This makes my job a whole lot easier. One of the kinders who joins us in the mornings (and afternoons) is kind of a difficult child. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love working with him and have been able to make a connection with this kid that I wasn't expecting. This morning, Thomas* asked when I was coming over to his house for a play date. This warmed my heart. Obviously, it's not only unprofessional, but slightly creepy for a person in my position to take him up on the offer. But the fact that he likes me enough to want to have a play date is just so gosh darn cute. 

Once it is time for the kids to go to class and start their school day, the bigger kids run off to join their friends, but we personally deliver each kinder to their perspective classroom. During this chaotic drop off time, I see a lot of kids and parents who are a part of the after school program. When you say hello to a kid right before drop off, one of three things happen: they hide in their parent's clothing, they wave and say "Hello Miss Camille," or they run up and give you a hug. Normally, after working with these kids and seeing them each morning, you get a feel for which kids are going to give you which greeting. Well, I said hello to Felicia* this morning, and instead of her normal sheepish smile and soft-spoken "hi," she ran up and gave me a hug. It was such a nice surprise and totally made me smile. 

After I dropped each kid off, I walked back to the office to find my boss talking to a mom. This mom is not only Thomas' mom, but she is a teacher at the school. Most teachers at the school have a TA, and for some reason, the program I work for does the TA paperwork. This teacher was complaining to my boss about her TA and how the paperwork isn't complete...yadda yadda yadda. All of a sudden, the teacher turns to me and asks, "you're looking for a TA job, right?" I replied that I was, had dropped off my resume to the front office for that specific reason, and have a huge gap in my day in which I am free. The look on her face was priceless. The turned to my boss and exclaimed, "I want her to be my TA! She's great with my sons and I could care less if this other TA works out because I would love to have her instead." It was such a wonderful feeling to know that this mom and teacher views me as someone who works well with kids, and someone who would be good for the job. Now, there's still a strong possibility that this won't actually happen...but it would be so amazing to TA for her. It would be such a wonderful opportunity and experience. Plus, I wouldn't have to walk so damn much anymore!

As I walked home, I couldn't help but smile because the morning I just had was nothing special to and outsider, but to me? To me, it was a beautiful morning. (~Cue song from Oklahoma~)

*It might sound stupid, but I've changed the names of the students. This is for their protection, and for mine. 

A LUSHious Reading

A simple trip to the Lush store on the Third Street Promenade turned into the most enlightening experience of my life. While walking along the promenade, Cynthia and I decided to go into Lush and sample all of the delicious smelling products. We happened upon this wheel of colors and were instantly intrigued. The woman working there asked if we had ever taken a spin. With our curiosities piqued, we both agreed to give it a try. She had us close our eyes and block out any colors or images. Then, when the wheel stopped turning, we were to open our eyes and pick out the first three colors to stand out to us. I picked a baby blue, a dark blue, and bright coral red...and yes, apparently the order is important in this game.

1. Your strength (or weakness): Calm

As she continued to go into detail, Cynthia was freaking out over how accurate this was. Can anyone guess what my reaction was? Yup, I was calm. It was funny to hear Cynthia, a friend I've known for four years now, explain just how accurate this part of the reading was. I guess that is something I never noticed about myself. Looking back, it makes sense, but hearing it from someone else was illuminating. 

2. Your subconscious: Motivation
While Cynthia was slightly dumbfounded by this one, it stunned me with how right it was. Because of the facade I tend to build up, I think most people assume I'm a motivated person. The truth is, this is something I have to work on and rediscover constantly. It seems like every day I need to find a new motivation just to get out from under the covers. 

3. Your aspiration: Ambition
Just the other day I was having a conversation with Cassie about my strong desire to achieve something more with my life. I was describing this ambition to do something amazing and make a difference. So, to say this reading was accurate would be an understatement. 

I left the store in a state of awe. I felt like I had just experienced a legitimate psychic reading, when in all reality it was just a place to buy bath products. It was an extremely unexpected, yet eye opening experience and it's days like these where I am convinced I'm on the right path. 

Happiness Feels a Lot Like Sorrow

I've always preached that happiness is not a state to strive for; that it's the little bits of happiness you have to appreciate and hold on to in order to help you through the moments of sadness. It was always a pet peeve of mine when someone's goal in life was to be happy. I still believe that there's always going to be ups and downs and that happiness is not a constant state of being that someone can achieve, but today I found myself wishing I could just be happy.

Since I've moved down here, I have tried to put myself out there. With work, the friends who live close by, and even with simple things like exploring the Von's two blocks down, I have kept an open mind and stepped out of my comfort zone. I did all of this to keep myself busy...and happy. Maybe I am still settling in and getting used to everything, and maybe I need to give it more of a chance, but today was the first day I let myself feel. And what I felt wasn't the happy I was hoping for. 

Whilst sitting on the floor in my room, trying to relax in the still-foreign heat, I felt the loneliness I had been experiencing for a while creep in. Between the kids and staff members at work, the dates I've been lucky to have with friends, and Kelsey moving in, you would think I would have the opposite problem. But even though it seems like I am constantly surrounded by people, the second I step into my room, I feel completely alone. The past few weeks I have tried to mask this feeling by distracting myself with movies, music, or crafting. But today it all sank in. 

My mind started to think about other things; ways my life would be different, things I would want to change, people I wish were still in my life, etc. This is when the tears started flowing. And this is when I decided to let myself feel all of it. 

Maybe it's days like these where this song makes more sense than ever:

Happiness damn near destroys you,

breaks your faith to pieces on the floor.

So you tell yourself, that's enough for now.

Happiness has a violent roar.

Happiness is like the old man told me:

look for it, and you'll never find it at all. 

Let it go, live your life and leave it.

Then, one day, she'll be home.

The Man on the Corner

Every day on my walk to work and back I see this man on the corner of the street. He sits at the bus stop and there's a ton of luggage and trash bags next to him, chained to the side of the bench. I'm fairly certain that everything he owns is packed in those bags. And I'm pretty sure he spends each night sleeping on that bench with just a blanket for comfort. 

Even after having an absolutely horrible day, this man, whoever he is, stood out to me. There was a spark in me that wanted to do something.After years of social and psychology classes and years of volunteering, I'm at a standpoint. I don't know what to do. There is a war going on within myself. Do I bring this man breakfast or a hot drink after my trip to starbucks in the morning? Or is that completely demeaning? Would he view this as a helping hand or a hand-out? This is one of those moments where I could really do something to help; something more than just the occasional breakfast or lack thereof. But what?

If anyone has an opinion or suggestion on the matter, let me know. 

The Happiest Time in the Happiest Place

Yesterday I got to go to Disneyland with Hilary. And it was one of the best times I've ever had. Normally it's hard not to have a good time, but there's always an added stress and pressure to have "the best time ever." Because each previous trip had been planned months in advance, I always felt like I had to make the most of the limited time I had. But yesterday was different. 

I woke up to a text from Hilary saying that she no longer had to work... "want to go to Disneyland?" This was not a hard question for me to answer. When it comes to Disneyland, the answer is always yes. I shot out of bed, jumped in the shower, rushed to get ready, and we were on our way. We each had a couple things in mind that we hoped to accomplish and the day went so smooth (and the longest we had to wait in like was 30 minutes).

First, we went on Radiator Springs, which I had not been on before. I was so impressed. It has become my new favorite ride in California Adventure (and it was so worth the wait). Then, we headed over to California Screaming, followed by the Tower of Terror and Monsters Inc. After that, we decided to make our way to the magical kingdom and caught a showing of Mickey and the Magical Map. If you have not seen it and you have the chance to: GO! It was not only an adorable story, but getting to see Pocahontas, Mulan, Rapunzel, Tiana, and a few other special guests sing and dance and be on stage brought out the little kid in me. I swear, I was smiling like a goon and had goose bumps the entire performance. 

One of the things that made yesterday so special is that we both got to do things in the parks that we had never done before. Neither of us had been on the Mark Twain Riverboat, which was such a wonderful experience. I had my first Dole Whip Float and I got my name embroidered on a hat for the first time. I also got to see Peter Pan for the first time in the parks. 

We ended the day with a ride on Splash Mountain (I don't know how she talked me into it) and a wonderful dinner at the Rainforest Cafe. 

There was no backtracking, no complaints, and no expectations, which meant there were no disappointments. We both got to do exactly what we wanted to (and more). It was the perfect disney day. 

Just Smile

Do you ever wake up, look in the mirror, and just smile? Not only do you like what you see, but there's something different about today. This doesn't happen too often for me, but man is it wonderful when it does. And I never pass up an opportunity to take full advantage and enjoy the day (and document it). 

Go look in the mirror and see if you like what you see. Try and find at least three things that you like about the reflection and then go and try and see the best in today. Trust me, sometimes a smile and a good attitude can change your entire day. :)

"Only Fools Rush In"

There's lots of different kinds of love. The love you have for your family, another love for your friends, and even a love for inanimate objects or food, but maybe that's more of a strong like than love. There's love you can have for your pet or animals, and then there's being IN love. That love is quite different from the others. Some people say it's "having butterflies when you wake up in the morning" or that it's a "transcendent experience." But I think my favorite description of love is from Lucky by Jackie Collins, "Falling in love is like getting hit by a truck and yet not being mortally wounded; sick to your stomach, high one minute, low the next, starving hungry but unable to eat. Falling in love fills you of hope and enthusiasm, with momentary depressions that wipe you out. It is also not being able to remove the smile from your face and loving life with a mad passionate intensity." But here's the thing, I've never actually been in love. 

I've experienced so many kinds of love, but I have never fallen head-over-heels in love with someone. I have, however, come close. I've felt the butterflies each morning and the anticipation of getting to talk to that person. I've felt the inability to eat and the love for life that I hadn't felt before. And I've also felt the heartache that comes after that person leaves or shuts you out. Obviously it's not quite as intense or extreme, but it still hurts. So, when that same person tries to come back into your life, you have a decision to make. 

Last night I got a text from a number I didn't recognize. After looking up the area code, I realized exactly who it was. And all of the feelings I had when I first felt myself falling for him came rushing back before I could even blink. And then, all of that came crashing down again. I hate the effect that he had, and apparently still has, over me. And I hate that he told me that, despite the fact that he's found the love of his life, he thinks things would have been different between us if he had lived closer. I hate that he misses me and that he felt the need to apologize for being such a dick the first time around. And without trying to sound too much like Kat Stratford from 10 Things I Hate About You, I hate that I don't actually hate him or blame him for any of it. 

But one thing did change last night. I stood up for myself. I told him that hearing from him now, even if it was an apology, hurts more than it did not to hear from him at all. And that I can't be there as a friend now after he completely shut me out. I told him that I was happy for him, he wished me well in LA, and that's where it ended. Of course a part of me is still sad, and I know that I won't stop thinking about him altogether. But I know that I will think of him less and move on with my life... just as I did the first time around.

Today was a Wonderful Day

This morning didn't start out great... I spent a good 2 or 3 hours scouring craigslist for a second job. I was adding possibilities in tabs so I could further read and possibly bookmark for later. After going through and deciding which ones I would be interested, I probably had just under 30 tabs open; each with a viable job opportunity. And then chrome decided to crash. And close all of my tabs. And leave me with my jaw open, staring at my desktop in complete shock. Three hours of productive work: GONE. 

So no, this morning didn't go so well. But work was a completely different story. I got to work and felt comfortable... I felt like I knew where to go, what to do, and who to talk to. My boss informed me of the lessons I was teaching and I bantered with my coworkers while I helped prep for the afternoon. The kids were wonderful today as well. They listened for the most part, they participated in every activity, AND they stayed in line quietly....without me telling them to!!! If you have ever worked with kids, you know what a feat that is. I obviously gave them all stickers cause I was so proud of my little munchkins. 

After work, I went to dinner in West Hollywood at Kitchen 24 with Cynthia and Laura. Oh my goodness was it delicious. I had the turkey burger with chipotle mayo and avocado....sooooo good. I love getting to explore new places in this monster of a city. And I am so glad I have a handful of friends in the area that I get to explore them with. 

Overall, today was a great day. I think my awesome time at work outshone my morning. I am quite nervous for tomorrow, for I am working with the older kids and have yet to decide what lesson I will have them do, but that's a story for another day. 

You're Gonna Hear Me be Brave

There's always controversy and comparisons in the music industry. People get riled up because "the beat sounds like..." or "the lyrics remind me of...." And when you listen to "Brave" by Sara Bareilles and then "Roar" by Katy Perry, they will remind you of each other. The beat is similar and the theme and lyrics point towards the same message. But in my life, they came out at perfect times...

When "Brave" came out, I was making the decision to move down to LA. I had told Kelsey my official answer, started looking for jobs in socal, and hadn't told my parents yet. I was terrified; it was a big decision to make on my own. So, listening to a song that urges you to "say what you want to say" and be brave helped me do just that. With this song constantly playing in my head, I was able to tell my parents about my move and be strong when I couldn't even get an interview for months. This song was the encouragement and reassurance that I was on the right path.

Now, the first time I heard "Roar," I was stunned at how much it sounded like "Brave." And my first instinct was to not like it. But I started hearing it on the radio, and it would get stuck in my head. Then, I would look it up and listen to it by choice on occasion... and eventually I bought it. Since then, I have been listening to it on repeat, singing along, belting it out and absolutely loving it. This song is all about self empowerment and proving to those around you and yourself that you are an awesome person. At one point in the song she says "I went from zero, to my own hero," and that stuck with me. I wouldn't say I am a hero (to myself or to others) by any means, but there was a time when I never thought I would be the friend that moved to LA. And recently, with everything going on in my life, it is nice to have an anthem that encourages self worth. 

Right about now, some of you might be thinking "....they're just songs" and you're absolutely right. But somehow these songs help me get through day to day and empower me to be a better me!

Yesterday

So, I don't know who actually reads this blog, but I don't plan to hold back on what I put on here. That being said, this post may have triggers or may make some people uncomfortable...

Yesterday was not a good day for me. It started out with little things going wrong: tripping on just about anything, stubbing my toe more than once, breaking a nail, etc. One after one, they began to accumulate and turned a decent day into a bad one relatively quickly. On top of that, I felt incredibly self conscious. Now, self confidence and body image has been a struggle in my life since before I knew what the word "fat" even meant, but lately (within the past year or so) I have been on a rise of confidence in myself and my body. Of course there are always ups and down in this journey... but yesterday, it was different. It was one of those days where I felt fat, gross, ugly and completely unhappy with me and my appearance. So when a little girl at work asked me why I was so fat, it solidified that doubt and negative feelings I had in myself. 

For the next part of this story, y'all need a little background. I am not going to go into detail, but sophomore year of high school I lost some people dear to me and spiraled into a moderately deep depression. And the way that I coped was through self harm. Eventually I stopped, got better, crawled out of my depression and came out on top. However, fairly recently (within this past year) I relapsed and began to self harm again. Once again, I was able to stop myself and get better. 

Keeping all of this in mind and continuing on with my story, yesterday I felt so horrible with myself that on my way home from work, my pace slowed and my brain wandered into some not-so-good thoughts. Without realizing it, I was digging my nail into my skin as I walked in order to not feel the overwhelming sadness that was taking over. I began to wonder if I had brought my razors down to LA... and then I thought of what I could use instead once I got home. Instantly, after I realized what I was thinking about, I broke down. The tears and staggered breathing couldn't be controlled and I knew that something needed to be done. Luckily, I have some amazing friends that were able to be there for me while I calmed down and talked myself away from that metaphorical cliff. 

Disclaimer: The reason I wanted to share this with everyone is not to get sympathy or pity. This is a blog about me and what I am going through in this new and adventurous chapter of my life. If that means sharing how shitty I'm doing, then so be it. I know that things will get better and that this particular day is not a reflection of how LA will be for me this year, but it's what I'm experiencing at the moment... which is what this is all about. 

Well, that wasn't the plan...

The plan for today: I was going to try and sleep in, have a leisurely morning, eat breakfast, do my hair and make up, give myself enough time to get lost on my way to a meeting that should only take a half an hour or so, walk back home, eat a late lunch/early dinner, and then prepare myself for work tomorrow.

What actually happened: I woke up at 7, ate breakfast, had a nervous morning, did my hair and make up, left with way too much time to spare, ended up walking around the block for an hour and still getting to my meeting 15 minutes early. I then wait for an hour for the woman I was supposed to meet with only to be introduced to everyone as "the newest addition to out staff." Then, caught completely by surprise, I got thrown into work...for four hours. I was not dressed, nor ready to work with 30 kids for 4 hours at a school I've never been to, with staff I've only met 5 minutes ago, and with a program I have not been trained in. It was chaotic and confusing (and fun...but shhhh). And to top everything off: I NEVER GOT MY MEETING! But the kinder director told me I was great with the kids and wants me to teach for a rotation tomorrow, so yay. 

Moral of this story: When you go with the flow and have a "I'm ready for anything" attitude, you end up getting complimented. And let's face it: that's all anyone really wants in life. 

Non-local Nerves

Do you ever feel like you don't belong? Like everyone around you knows exactly where they're going and what they're doing, but you feel completely lost? That's how I'm feeling right now. I'm the "new girl" in town and I feel out of place. I know that once I step out of my comfort zone and explore the area, I will start to feel more at home. But for the time being, I feel as if I'm confined to my apartment...confined to my room because it's the one place I know and feel safe in. It probably doesn't help that the idea that I now live in LA hasn't quite settled in. It currently feels more like this is Derek and Kelsey's apartment and I am simply staying with them for a while. Hopefully this place starts to feel more like my own when the idea that I actually live here sinks in. 

In other news, the move went smoother than I thought it would (even with getting lost and the stress of running some errands). And the unpacking went a lot faster than expected. I still have some loose odds and ends that I need to find a place for, but other than that I am pretty much settled in. There is food in the fridge, clothes in the closet, and a fairly happy Cami to boot. 

OH, and the food that I have had thus far has been absolutely delicious. The first night we ordered gyros from Delphi and they were phenomenal. I will definitely be saving that menu. And then this morning I went to Coral Tree Cafe in Brentwood for brunch and again: phenomenal. I had their egg bruschetta and some fresh squeezed OJ and it was probably one of the best breakfasts I've ever had. I highly recommend both places!

Next Chapter

"Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the Earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

-Leonardo da Vinci

I feel like I've spent my entire life looking at the sky, daydreaming about what my life could be... without ever actually "tasting flight." So this move to Los Angeles feels more than just a move. It feels like growing up. 

A part of me is really excited about this new chapter of my life. One with responsibility and independence. And new opportunities with a chance to start over. Plus, I'll be living with one of my best friends. But another part of me is scared shitless. I have never been on my own financially. Or lived more than 2 hours away (with the exception of the semester I spent in Washington). And I'm going to be living in a city...a big city. If you know me at all, you know that I am a small-town girl born and raised who has never even dreamed of living in a big city.

Nevertheless, I am trying to look on the bright side of this next chapter and am excited to share it with all of you!