Yesterday

So, I don't know who actually reads this blog, but I don't plan to hold back on what I put on here. That being said, this post may have triggers or may make some people uncomfortable...

Yesterday was not a good day for me. It started out with little things going wrong: tripping on just about anything, stubbing my toe more than once, breaking a nail, etc. One after one, they began to accumulate and turned a decent day into a bad one relatively quickly. On top of that, I felt incredibly self conscious. Now, self confidence and body image has been a struggle in my life since before I knew what the word "fat" even meant, but lately (within the past year or so) I have been on a rise of confidence in myself and my body. Of course there are always ups and down in this journey... but yesterday, it was different. It was one of those days where I felt fat, gross, ugly and completely unhappy with me and my appearance. So when a little girl at work asked me why I was so fat, it solidified that doubt and negative feelings I had in myself. 

For the next part of this story, y'all need a little background. I am not going to go into detail, but sophomore year of high school I lost some people dear to me and spiraled into a moderately deep depression. And the way that I coped was through self harm. Eventually I stopped, got better, crawled out of my depression and came out on top. However, fairly recently (within this past year) I relapsed and began to self harm again. Once again, I was able to stop myself and get better. 

Keeping all of this in mind and continuing on with my story, yesterday I felt so horrible with myself that on my way home from work, my pace slowed and my brain wandered into some not-so-good thoughts. Without realizing it, I was digging my nail into my skin as I walked in order to not feel the overwhelming sadness that was taking over. I began to wonder if I had brought my razors down to LA... and then I thought of what I could use instead once I got home. Instantly, after I realized what I was thinking about, I broke down. The tears and staggered breathing couldn't be controlled and I knew that something needed to be done. Luckily, I have some amazing friends that were able to be there for me while I calmed down and talked myself away from that metaphorical cliff. 

Disclaimer: The reason I wanted to share this with everyone is not to get sympathy or pity. This is a blog about me and what I am going through in this new and adventurous chapter of my life. If that means sharing how shitty I'm doing, then so be it. I know that things will get better and that this particular day is not a reflection of how LA will be for me this year, but it's what I'm experiencing at the moment... which is what this is all about.