Let's Get Intimate

{I must start with a disclaimer: I am not an expert when it comes to LGBTQ topics...no where close. I try to learn as much as I can about different sexual orientations and genders while being considerate of the people within this community. If I get something wrong, please teach me so I can correct my mistake.}

I have never been one to shy away from controversial and personal topics on this blog. I tend to share my most intimate details here. From my struggles with depression to my guilty pleasures, I've never had trouble writing them here for all to see. For some reason, it's where I feel safe.

I am a strong believer that sexuality is fluid. Our emotional, romantic, and sexual relationships can differ and change when it comes to the sex or gender we are attracted to. I also subscribe to the idea of the Kinsey scale. (For those of you unfamiliar, this is the notion that instead of fitting into the two categories of "straight" and "gay," everyone places on a continuum in between the two, allowing varying amounts of hetero and homosexuality.) And although it's not perfect, for it does not take certain sexualities into consideration, it's the best way for me to describe my own, personal relationship with sexuality. 

All of my life I have identified as heterosexual. It's never been a question in my head. I'm attracted to men sexually, therefore I am straight. It's almost a societal default. How I felt about women was irrelevant, because I liked men. Even when I was talking to girls on dating sights, it didn't matter, because I liked men. The fact that I was attracted to both men and women was inconsequential, because I liked men. And because I liked men, I was heterosexual. 

How convoluted is that? 

I've always known that I didn't lay at one specific end of the Kinsey scale, but it never truly occurred to me that I might not be straight. Not until fairly recently. 

This is not a post about me "coming out." (Or maybe, in a way, it is...) I don't identify as gay, but I also no longer identify as straight. Perhaps I'm on the road to identifying as bi...but I don't feel like I'm quite there yet. I guess I'm embracing the Q in LGBTQ, and I am 100% okay with that.

My name is Cami. I'm 25. And I'm questioning my sexuality every chance I get. 

I Got Up Today

Not only did I get up, but I made brownies, hung a picture, wrapped a present, and started a project. I was out of bed and productive. And it felt good.

For those of you unaware of why this is such an amazing accomplishment for me, I have been suffering from a fairly severe case of depression. I've been almost bedridden for a little over a week now.

Depression is something I battle on a daily basis. Ever since my sophomore year of high school, where it was trauma induced. There are some cycles where it's almost nonexistent and I am able to carry on as "normal." But there are also cycles where I'm so overwhelmed that I can barely move.

Lately, it's been the latter. I've been canceling plans with friends, crying for the majority of the day, and unable to leave my bed.

But I got up today.

Because of the optimist in me, I would love to say that this is a step towards recovery. And maybe it is. But it's equally as likely for me to revert back into the depression that I've been all too familiar with.

Either way, I am choosing to celebrate the fact that today, I got up.

Here's to My Girls

Everyone has seen "body positive" messages. It could be geared towards curvy girls OR skinny girls OR those who fall in between. And today, while scrolling through some of these posts on tumblr, I felt the need to say something. 

Here's to my girls, whatever your body type. Whether you're skinny, overweight, disproportionate or somewhere in between. You're perfect. Everyone has things they want to change about themselves. You could want to change your stomach or your eyebrows, your arms or your ass. It's okay to want to change things about yourself; it's also perfectly okay if you don't. But guess what? That doesn't mean you don't matter. It doesn't mean that someone else can't view you and your body as perfect. We all have different bodies, and we all admire different bodies. 

So instead of seeking out a specific group of women based on their body type, I'm calling on ALL women: you're perfect.